Food Thoughts

I'm tired and nauseated from eating too many butterscotch brownies. I have been weighing myself every week since I was 22 weeks pregnant and ever since having the baby it's interesting to see a pattern. For every two lbs I lose I gain one back. I tend to sabotage myself when I see I have list weight and gain weight instantly. In the past two months I have lost about 2.2 pounds. Pretty slow progress. I can't complain though. I eat a lot of ice cream and sweets and breads. I am nervous that if I begin some sort of 'diet' regimen I'll completely snap and go into binge mode where I can't get food in fast enough. It's frustrating because I feel ten times better when I am more fit and eating sensibly. Mentally and physically. I may do a juicing cleanse soon. I've done it before and it was great. Really hard. But great. I realized how much I just wander into the kitchen to snack on whatever I can find. The first couple days were the hardest.  I hated everyone and had a headache from sugar and Advil withdrawals. But by day four I felt great. I wish I could finally convince myself that that feeling is so much better than the temporary high of cookie dough or magic shell.

I Don't Care....Not.

I wonder how many times I've said "I don't care what people think." Because whatever the number is--it's the same number of times I've lied about it. Of course I care about what people think of me. Too much in fact. I second guess myself before commenting on people's pictures because I want it to be witty but not seem like I put too much thought into it. I feel self conscious about wearing a bathing suit with no shorts because I've got some wiggly jiggly action. I want people to think I have a pretty house from the pictures I post on Instagram and think twice about showing ones with my hideous 90's wallpaper or carpeted bathroom (gag) in the background.  So in an effort to reverse my preoccupation with the opinion of others I force myself to do things out of my comfort zone. Nothing too big, like karaoke, but posting a picture of myself even if it isn't the most flattering. Or if I am about to delete a comment because I think it's stupid I'll force my thumb to send it because who the freak cares!! Well...I do. But I'm working on it. Baby steps.  

At Least I Tried

It is really hard for me to just go to bed. After the kids are asleep and I get into bed it is around 10ish. But I don't go to sleep then. I read, shop, make lists, basically waste valuable sleeping time on my phone. It's like my mind is so crowded during the day with kids and chores and whatever that when it is finally quite it actually can think of stuff. Or just watch mindless videos of people falling down. So tonight I actually did  not even look at my phone after I got into bed. I had a headache(which is going on day three) so I just tried to close my eyes and fall asleep and it worked! Only to be woken up an hour later to a crying 4 year old who has just thrown up in her bed. After cleaning up and changing sheets she sweetly asked me in her little croaky voice if she could have a tiny cup of apple juice. She was asleep by the time I got back. And now I'm awake. On my phone. And after I fall asleep the littlest will wake up soon after to nurse. Even though I am running on fumes most of the time and might smell like puke, I am pretty blessed to have these (most of the time ) sweet kids to take of. Now I just need to remember that in their not-so-sweet moments. 

So Fresh and So Clean Clean

Today I had my carpets cleaned for the first time since moving in two and a half years ago and with four kiddos and a dog you can imagine that it was pretty gross. And since I made the appointment a week ago I had been getting even more lazy at cleaning up spills and smudges. 30 minutes before the guy showed up my two year old spilled carrot juice on the floor. I can't even put into words how amazing it looks. It looks like my whole house has had a makeover.  So I have been converted to semi-regular carpet cleanings...or at least before someone comes to visit. Or if you have a groupon like I did. I'm hoping this will motivate me to be extra vigilant at not allowing drinks or food outside the kitchen. I give it a week :). 

Life with 4...

I googled before having my fourth child something like "how does life change going from three to four kids?" I just wanted to see what other moms had to say about the transition. Some said it was the easiest yet and others said that that is when life got crazy. My youngest is only 4 months old so I'm sure things will get changed up when he starts becoming more mobile but here are the things that have changed in my life...

I have never been able to keep my house consistently clean. It was mostly so so and now it is I would be kinda embarrassed if someone were to stop by unannounced but I'd get over it pretty quickly. 

 I let my 2 1/2 year old watch a lot of TV. He will sneak my phone and go hid in a closet to watch Netflix or Amazon Prime. I should be more embarrassed that he knows how to navigate my phone than the state of my house. 

I haven't been able to find the motivation/mental capacity to consistently have planned meals every night. We have frozen pizza with cut up cucumbers, avocado, strawberries, and ants on a log or hot dogs or waffles. And if I am missing any one of the ingredients to make those we have PB and honey sandwiches. I am afraid of when I start making dinners again my kids won't eat anything that has food mixed together. 

I have to remind myself when I am stepping over toy after toy and shoes and dress up clothes that it's not that big of a deal. I have four kids six and under who like to dump things out and have short attention spans. If they see another container filled while they are in the middle of playing with what they just dumped out, they will leave those toys just to go dump out some more. It can be exhausting to keep on reminding them to say thank you and to take their plate to the dishwasher and to flush the toilet and to turn off the lights and to put their clothes in the hamper...I feel like a broken record a lot of the time. Hopefully one day it will stick. Every now and then I get glimpses of them 'getting it' so that helps me to keep on truckin', and maybe one day I will make dinners again and have a clean house at the same time. Fingers crossed.

A Time and a Season

So during the day I have so many great ideas of things I could blog about and then I sit down and I got nothing. It's probably just one liners...like does anyone else hurt themselves trying to scrape cement cheerios off the kitchen table that have been sitting in dried milk for a few days? Does anyone else have children who say "I wish Heavenly Father didn't create toots" and who loves to rhyme everything with the letters b and d..."Kitchen....Bitchen", "ham...dam", "lick...*ick" and so on. I love my kids. I need to remember that while these years are exhausting...they are wonderful and hilarious and spontaneous (and stinky and tired and does anyone else feel like every service in their house has had pee on it at some point?) I was just venting to a friend about not having a great body and not being able to do a lot of things I see other moms do and she said something that I'll have to repeat to myself whenever I am feeling stretched. "Time and a season." One day I will be able to shower daily, buy nicer clothes that won't get bodily fluids on it with every wear, go running even after my husband has left for work. You know, after writing everything down...I feel a little silly about the things I let myself get stressed about. First world problems. My children are healthy and happy (most of the time), I have an amazing husband who supports me in anything I want to do, and even though I hate it sometimes, I really do love being a mom. I love seeing my 6 year old learn to read better everyday and getting excited about it. I love how my 4 year old loves to help me make cookies. I love how my 2 year old dances whenever he hears music. I love that my 3 month old smiles and coos whenever you look at him. Life is good and there is a time and a season for everything.

It begins....

So I have been struggling with something lately. I cannot stop eating sugar. I think that I am seriously addicted. (And by think I mean know). Sometimes I get so sick of having an mental conversation with myself about the whole weight loss/diet/body image thing that I can't stand it anymore. And I'm sure than my hubby doesn't love hearing about it either. So I figured I can write to nobody in particular and clear my head at the same time. Win win.
So I'm sitting here after several handfuls of valentine M&M's that I bought only for the kids and googling for a similar sugar cookie recipe of a local bakery, I'm wondering if I can really successfully complete a fitness goal. Do you have to be in love with fitness and whole wheat pizza crust to have a good body? Can you still lose weight and look good if you eat dessert everyday? Obviously I know that I can't look like Miranda Kerr and eat cake for breakfast lunch and dinner (which I have done) and let's be honest, there is probably nothing I can do to look like that but is there a way to achieve a certain level of fitness without having to eat the same 'healthy' foods for the rest of my life? Pity party over.